Streams Crossed!

The Crossing the Streams contest came to an end last night, and today we have winners! First, we have Chris Bauer, whose Hollywood-style mash-up tickled my fancy the most:

Rotten Sweet Tooth
Imagine Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory meets Dawn of the Dead, okay? Starring Vin Diesel or John Cena (whoever is available) as the fearless, chainsaw-wielding candymaster who must use his wits, brawn and knowledge of confectionery delights to defend hapless tourists from the purple horde of rampaging, flesh-eating Oompa Loompas!

The random winner was Jim Auwaerter. I’ll send autographed ARCs of Carpathia out to both Chris and Jim next week. Meanwhile, stay tuned to learn who won the grand prize of a book from every one of the authors involved in the contest.

I had many, many excellent entries, and they gave me more than a few laughs and shivers. I’m happy to see so many creative people out there getting into the spirit of the game. Thanks to every one of them for joining in!

Just for fun, here are many the entries for your enjoyment. Names have been removed to protect the guilty, but feel free to claim credit for yours in the comments if you like.

  • The Godfather meets Blade Runner
  • Transporting Miss Daisy: All Frank Martin had to do was pick up Daisy Werthan and take her to the Piggly Wiggly. What could possibly go wrong?
  • Bourne Identity meets Tolkien
  • Real Steel meets Bakugaan, or Beyblade: We open on a small kid, grease stained face and wearing patched and ragged overalls as he labors away at a piecemeal robotic form. Then we flash ahead to the same kid, standing in a awkward boxing pose outside a ring, his robot standing inside a titanium square ring. Across from him an aloof well groomed pre-teen is poised behind a shiny steel figure as a artificial voice declares: Fight!
  • Its Hunger Games meets Twilight meets The Matrix! In a post apocalyptic world where everyone lives in a vat of jelly, a young girl fights for the freedom to meet her crush face to face. In “The Nation” no one is allowed to have direct contact. Every human being is plugged in to “Teh Intertubes” and uses an avatar to interact. Surprise twist! The girl can’t choose between the boy who’s avatar is a sparkly purple unicorn or her best friend who manifests as Scooby Doo.
  • Red Clown: It’s The Vagina Monologues meet Stephen King’s It, when love is taboo and lust is unspeakable.
  • The Howling vs Silence of the Lambs: In D.C. a rash of brutal killings leaves the city in a state of panic as the werewolves seek to claim new territory and return man to his place as prey. The police unable to figure out what is going on turn to the F.B.I and in turn they go to their most lethal tool. A psychiatrist turned beast. Doctor Hannibal Lecter. Can the infamous Doctor figure out the clues and stop the rampaging beast before they leave the city coated in crimson terror? Or does the Doctor has his own agendas that are as mad as the Lunar goddess that haunts the skies.
  • 300 meets Star Wars
  • Sparkle Fairies, Beware: Crossing Twilight with Van Hellsing (with Hugh Jackman)
  • One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest meets Gladiator
  • Sopranos meets The Office
  • Event Horizon meets Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
  •  Star Trek: The Next Generation meets The Hangover 
  • Lord of the Rings meets James Bond: In a setting rife with magic and turmoil, the wizards need someone without a stitch of morals to enforce their will and to stand against the darkness that is right on their borders. He is a man or action and often a drunk and a womanizer. Arabon is an enigma, and with his alchemist helper Ahz — along with the gaggle of female dwarves and halflings that follow at his heels — he will save the world one heart at a time.
  • Schindler’s List meets I, Robot
  • Star Wars: Love on the Outer Rim. It was the classic story of boy meets girl…but there’s nothing classical about Ewok meets Hutt. He was a young scout for his tribe, obsessed with the idea of traveling the stars. She was a famous singer, searching for a muse. Fate brought them together…a war drove them apart.
  • I Don’t Eat….Jello.  This will be Hannibal meets The Cosby Show, a black cannibal who must deal with his family, including loving wife and daughters, none of whom are cannibals, though they know their father is one.
  • Hollywood Creative Inertia – The Movie!  It’s like Avatar meets Titanic…in that these are the two highest grossing films in history and we really want to make money off of this star-studded, marketing-driven piece of crapola.
  • The Expendables meets Dead Poets’ Society
  • The Fountain by Darren Aronofsky. (Already done, but…) Cross 2001: A Space Odyssey with Love Story. A beautiful young woman dying of cancer coupled with incomprehensible mindfuckery as the main male character evolves into a new stage of consciousness.
  • Home Alone meets Saw: Parents go off on a trip but get confused and leave their youngest boy behind. That night burglars strike, but this is a survivalist family with an obsession for post-apocalypse and zombies, and the kid goes nuts.
  • The founding fathers of America meet Blade: Because the founding fathers all kick ass, and if anyone’s
    going to smack down vampires and werewolves it’s Ben Franklin and George Washington! 
  • Sam I Am Is A Surf Nazi And He REALLY, REALLY Needs To Die. Ok, so we take Robert Pattinson who’s going to play Sam I Am and we take him and have him surf around a bunch of different places forcing every surfer he meets to eat green eggs and ham. After one of those kids dies from eating while surfing, played by Justin Beiber, we’re going to have his crazy gun-wielding grandma, played by Betty White, hunt Sam I Am down and beat him in a surfing contest. After said surfing contest, she tracks him down, throws him in her trunk and takes him home, where upon she feeds him nothing but green eggs and ham until he renounces his ways and denounces his Nazi breakfast food loving ways. We’re not sure where to put them but we also have to have at least three sharks get jumped, a cameo by Samuel L. Jackson (its mandatory), and lasers. We need lots and lots of lasers…
  • Horrible Bosses meets Pokemon.
  • Abe Vigoda meets Erik Estrada. Fish and Chips. 
  • Ghostbusters meets The Muppets played totally straight.
  • The Prophecy meets The Last Temptation of Christ: Lucifer is offered the chance to return to Heaven by becoming human and is tricked into redeeming humanity as Jesus Christ.
  • Terms of Adherement, a feel good horror/love story best described as Steel Magnolias meets The Human Centipede. Tag line: You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll definitely throw up in your mouth.
  • All the President’s Men meets Dracula: A journalistic takedown of Dracula’s attempt to plant himself in England and take over.
  • Godzilla meets ET: You’ve got this big, city smashing monster.  Rises out of the sea, trashes the place — it’s like Godzilla. But then, this kid befriends it. It’s just a big lug, after all.  Doesn’t know its own strength.  And of course everyone else wants to deal with the monster but the kid, he has to protect Godzilla!
  • Care Bears meets Quentin Tarantino
  • B1: Keep on the Borderlands meets The Cremation of Sam McGee. The ogre from the cave system is away from home and dying.  He meets the heroes and parlays with them to take him (or his body) back home to his cave and burn him there.  They have to find some way (stealth, negotiation, or just slaughtering everyone in the caves) to get him there, build the pyre, and then get out before they succumb to fumes.
  • Jeeves & Wooster meets Call of Cthulhu with a slight touch of Ghostbusters thrown in. When a dim-witted aristocrat joins a mystical cult to get closer to its attractive female members, it’s up to his genius manservant to get him out of trouble before a dark ritual is enacted to bring the world under the shadow of the Elder Gods. Horrific hilarity ensues!
  • Buffy versus Edward Cullen. I know this one has been done a thousand times but how I would love to see Buffy take the “sparkle” out of Edward’s eye.
  • Blade Runner meets My Little Pony
  • The Tigger Movie: It’s Guys & Dolls meets The Blair Witch Project. 
  • Twilight meets The Terminator
  • D&D: It’s Leverage meets Conan, through books!
  • Love Actually meets Call of Cthulhu. 
  • The Pen is Mightier than the Sword. In a world where words are weapons, a young author must master the elements of style and write a story that will shatter a kingdom. It’s Conan The Barbarian meets The Chicago Manual of Style. 
The longest one featured an oddly familiar self-reflexive conversation:
Matt, baby. Glad to talk to ya.
I know you got connections.  I’ve got a pitch for ya. Hear me out. Matt? Matt? Can you hear me now?  GoodAnyway, I’ve got an idea for you. A hot property.

It’s called Amortals. It’s by this other guy named Matt. Fosbeck. Forsythe. Something like that. What are the odds?

No, not Immortals. Ayy-mortals.

A secret service agent is brought back to life to find his killer.

It’s Source Code meets Moon meets In the Line of Fire.  You’ll love it, trust me. Box Office!

Call me. We should do lunch!

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